untitled ( free write )

who knows where love is ? see i went to look for it and i couldn't find it. i asked around and 10 different people gave me 10 different answers. then i met a guy who said he had love and he would give it to me if i promised to do what he said. well i agreed and he gave me love but he also gave me jealousy and hate. because he was going around and givin a whole lot of love not just to me like i had thought. and he also gave those girls the hate and jealousy. he also gave me insecurity , why wouldn't i be good enough for all of his love and not just the part time i was receiving. everybody told me that wasn't love because love wasn't supposed to hurt. so i left that boy and i went to search for a new one and this time i found it in my cat. a tabby i had before he could walk on his hind legs. i held him close when we slept , he drank out my bowl when i was done with the milk. but he took my love with him when he took his last breathe. years later i would find out it was because he had cat aids. as i held him in my arms as he drew his last breathe i could feel my love being taken away. even somethin who wasnt a human could love and feel love yet and still take it away. i continued my search desperately seeking out this thing i had heard exist. it was like i was chasing the blue fairy to wish i could become a real boy when i was made out of wood. ive watched countless movies where the girl meets the guy and somethin turns their relationship sour until he or she realizes they actually belong with that person and then - poof they end up together. in my short years of life ive been chasing that fairy tale ending and ive watched countless number of older women who have chased it too even with the first comes love then comes marriage but many have just ended up with the baby in toe. why is sex devalued to the extent that virgins feel pressured to have sex. or why is the men who are known for having more sex than relationships with girls from 'around the way' more desired than the ones who would rather just take a girl on a date and respect her. to be so young and so old i always have a conflict at heart because i want to believe that to love someone means your in a perfect world but i don't want to have to compensate myself for the next person. i don't want to have to play blind to the obvious issues i have to keep myself from 'losing love'. but i also don't want to be bitter and lonely because i know i have much to offer. who know where love is ?