untitled ( free write )

who knows where love is ? see i went to look for it and i couldn't find it. i asked around and 10 different people gave me 10 different answers. then i met a guy who said he had love and he would give it to me if i promised to do what he said. well i agreed and he gave me love but he also gave me jealousy and hate. because he was going around and givin a whole lot of love not just to me like i had thought. and he also gave those girls the hate and jealousy. he also gave me insecurity , why wouldn't i be good enough for all of his love and not just the part time i was receiving. everybody told me that wasn't love because love wasn't supposed to hurt. so i left that boy and i went to search for a new one and this time i found it in my cat. a tabby i had before he could walk on his hind legs. i held him close when we slept , he drank out my bowl when i was done with the milk. but he took my love with him when he took his last breathe. years later i would find out it was because he had cat aids. as i held him in my arms as he drew his last breathe i could feel my love being taken away. even somethin who wasnt a human could love and feel love yet and still take it away. i continued my search desperately seeking out this thing i had heard exist. it was like i was chasing the blue fairy to wish i could become a real boy when i was made out of wood. ive watched countless movies where the girl meets the guy and somethin turns their relationship sour until he or she realizes they actually belong with that person and then - poof they end up together. in my short years of life ive been chasing that fairy tale ending and ive watched countless number of older women who have chased it too even with the first comes love then comes marriage but many have just ended up with the baby in toe. why is sex devalued to the extent that virgins feel pressured to have sex. or why is the men who are known for having more sex than relationships with girls from 'around the way' more desired than the ones who would rather just take a girl on a date and respect her. to be so young and so old i always have a conflict at heart because i want to believe that to love someone means your in a perfect world but i don't want to have to compensate myself for the next person. i don't want to have to play blind to the obvious issues i have to keep myself from 'losing love'. but i also don't want to be bitter and lonely because i know i have much to offer. who know where love is ?

Truth Or Dare

"Stephanie pick your head up, bad enough you came late, but now your sleeping! Just great, open up your book and turn to page 77 NOW !" Mrs. Williams bellowed in front of everybody. Stephanie picked her head up and slammed her book open, she hated everything about the class, from the location of the room, to her assigned seat, the subject matter, but most of all that cunt of a teacher that somehow always rode her back about something. Today's lesson was about congruent triangles. But Stephanie's mind was far from that - way far. The previous night held firmly to her attention even with her failed attempts to shake it off. She couldn't help it, after all if you had been her shoes you wouldn't have either. As soon as the bell rang she bolted out the door and caught up with her friend full of energy now that she was out of class.

What she considered her friend others considered someone who had a bad reputation and needed an unsuspecting person to befriend and then ruin their own reputation. She came from a broken home and in the small town they lived in, a broken home meant a broken girl, a loose one, that all the concerned mothers in the town shunned their daughters and sons away from. But when your new to town and your mother's main priority is to provide as a single mother for you and your brother, a loose girl is the least of her concerns. But Stephanie wasn't popular at least she wasn't until she became friends with Julissa, then the same boys who shoved past her in the hallways became the same boys who chased her down the hallways and slip their number into the cracks of her locker. And of course she ate it up.

Her and Julissa talked briefly about what they would be doing after school as it was a custom that they always found some tedious thing that they knew their mothers, Stephanie's more than Julissa's, wouldn't approve of. After compromising on going to the school's homecoming game and hang out under the bleachers with a few of the boys from the rival team being that Julissa met some of them at a party in which she was the party favor.

Cry Wolf

She left as fast as she came , I cant remember what our last words where to each other but it was somewhere along the lines of "I never wanna see you again you stupid bitch!" Some way to talk to your mother yes I know but she wasnt the mother she had the potential to be. She wasnt the mother that wiped my forehead of sweat when I was sick or rewarded me with sweet love and affection whenever I required it of her. God forbid she ever did that, the world probably would have split into two and swallow everyone whole. I laugh to myself now just picturing it. No she wasnt any mother of mine yet she wore the title and my punishment was to have the same features as her, an everyday reminder to her and I who my mother was.

But of course you all know she wasnt always like this, no no no , she wasnt always the villian in my life. She once had life in her eyes and her mouth wasnt in a permanent frown as it was now. I remember when i was around four or five and my mother was a mother, a real one, when my father was around. I hadnt a care in the world as I was only four or five and my parents created a safe facade for me to daydream and be a child. My father was a handsome man, now I understand why he drove my mother and every other woman in the neighborhood crazy. He had caramel skin with a nice build. I remember when he would come home from work he would call me from the door , i would come running with a smile as wide as my face would contain. He would pick me up and toss me in the air as i had fits of laughter. My mother and my father both worked, my father did construction and my mother worked as a caretaker for a mentally handicapped boy who was confined to a wheelchair and had the metal age of a 3 year old. So I went to the babysitters.

Her name was Ms. Eda. She was an older lady who take care of kids in the neighborhood when parents worked. She had grandchildren of her own so was very loving and tender with all of us. She wore glasses and was heavy set but the thing i remember most about her is her smell. She always smelled of cigarettes and irish spring soap. I remember she would let me play in her soft hair, i would run her fingers through it and pretend to twist it or braid it. She would let me help her pass out snacks and lunch and would wake me last after nap. I grew very found of her and her of me. When it would be time for me to leave she would hug me and kiss me and always say 'See you tomorrow baby.' The warmth I felt from her would soon get me through some of the roughest nights.

I soon started school and would go to Ms. Eda's afterwards. The rift between my mother and father soon took its affect. Even though my father was a good man when it came to me and the household he didnt share the same morals towards my mother or let alone any woman he came across. He left a trail of broken hearts and some of them frequently came to redeem what they felt belong to them. Many times my parents would fight for days, sometimes weeks, about a woman who my mother bumped into at the supermarket or another who was a friend of a friend of a friend that my mother knew, or even but not so suprisingly , a woman who gossiped openly about her encounter with my father and how my mother was so blind and dumb. But time and time again my father bounced back and assured my mother that the woman was lying or was just plain jealous. My mother would throw herself into fits of depression and drinking binges where my father would peel her off the bathroom floor and we would have lonely dinners. She was still a good mother. She would take me with her to the hairdressers but as soon as she became the weekly topic of discussion i stopped attending and soon so did she. I would go with her to the supermarket and pick out snacks for school and daycare. She would let me help her cook and clean while singing songs and laughing.

But soon the rift between my parents became too thick and my father couldnt hold on to it anymore, couldnt hold on to me. He left one day during a big fight with my mother, this time he was being accused of fathering Juanita's baby , a woman who used to bring her two sons to Ms. Eda's until she became pregnant and was on maternity leave. Everyone who knew us was talking about it and it was too much for my mother to bare. Before he left he grabbed my face and wiped my tears and told me "Dont cry babygirl , daddies gonna call you as soon as i get myself together,okay ?Be good for mommy." I clung to his pantleg but that didnt stop him from leaving. I would be lying to say that was last time i spoke to him because it wasnt, for a while he kept good on his word, he even took me on outings with the just the two of us. Many of those memories are faded now but lye somewhere within me. But he was still a good father until he got with Yasmine , a woman with 4 kids of her own by three different men, she tried to build a bond with me but i didnt like how my father looked at her, he was in love. When she said lets go to Atlanta and start a new , better life he didnt object.